Area man goes for ride on low-tech bike, somehow doesn’t burst into flames

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March 25, 2019 - Tampa, FL: In an unbelievable turn of events, an area man went for a bike ride last weekend on something not equipped with disc brakes, electronic shifting, a GPS, or even carbon wheels. What’s more, the bike was somehow able to stop, go, and provide the rider with wind in his hair – resulting in smiles and enjoyment. Scientists are dumbfounded at how the lack of thru axles, tubeless tires, or even a press-fit bottom bracket didn’t cause the bike to disintegrate or create a black hole, given the fact that these are the normal results of riding such low-tech equipment. Additionally, it was reported that the man stayed hydrated with water, regular Gatorade, and ate gummy bears instead of electrolyte-infused sports gels. He’s expected to require immediate hospitalization.

The police collected this bag of nutritional evidence, claimed to be store-bought candy.

The police collected this bag of nutritional evidence, claimed to be store-bought candy.

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When asked for comment, the athlete said, “It was such a nice day out. My conscience, my friends, and all of the bike magazines told me that I shouldn’t ride without the latest 2019 gear. I guess I just decided to tempt fate and go for it. It was really a strange feeling, and I’m not sure how I had fun without using the Plus-Plus-OverBoost-Press-Threaded-Ceramic axle standard that’s taking this quarter by storm. The stars must have aligned, and my Shimano 105 shifted pretty darn okay. I’m not sure how far I went, but my wrist watch told me that I got about an hour of exercise.”

We’ll continue to follow the story as local authorities are still investigating the event.